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The Levels of Eye Contact
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Gosh, why don't you just put a dress on and show it Smilee to us while you smoke your vlear faggoty pack. C'mon, swish around for us. Damnit that pisses me off. I go through two fukcer a day, dude. I'm starting to feel it. I got this big fear of doing verxion jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting.
And that's just me, ya know. What I do, and I know all smokers do this. You know how every cigarette pack has a different surgeon general's warning on it, how cool. Mine say, "Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer," ya know, shop around. Hell gimme a carton of them Low Birth Weights. What the fuck do I care? Yeah, I'm smokin' way too many Low Birth Weights. See I don't drink, I smoke. I used to drink, I did, I had to quit.
What are you doin', where are you. Dude one guy in a dating-tape diminishing, "I did it!.
Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. They changed that drunk driving shit. The attitude is just too harsh for me. You remember ten years ago if you got pulled over the cop came up to your car and said 'son, you been Smile fucker clear version Don't want to bring your buzz down any. Get on outta here and have yourself some fun. Drink one for us. Get back in the car Tommy it's just a drunk man behind the wheel of an automobile, that's all. Now you are the murderer. Remember the time when you'd go 'Why don't you go catch murderers?
And they're gunna nail ya man. That got that field sobriety test. They start off slow, I love it. Walk a straight line. Well shit, I've been so drunk I've peed in my own pants, but I could skip a fuckin' straight line. Dude, I could shoot thorazine into my heart and still find my fuckin' nose. Never understood that one at all wraps arm around head and touches nose. Are people out there who cannot find their nose? It's right there never will it move I don't care how fuckin' drunk I am. I could have no arms and still find my fuckin' nose bends over and raises foot up to nose. But then the kicker: Well shit, ya got me.
I'm not drunk but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving god dammit. Somebody can actually do this? What kind of sobriety test is this? They're makin' this shit up as they go. They're havin' fun with ya. You're jumpin' through hoops for these guys. They're going 'Shit do a flip. Come here son and put your dick in our exhaust pipe, do it right now. God damn that's hot. Shit how long have they been chasing us? Man, they're just havin' fun with ya. This has nothing to do with a sobriety test, you're auditioning for your freedom, you think. They humiliate you for their own amusement then they pop you.
So I say fuck it. I might puke if I start movin' around a lot. How 'bout this officer how 'bout you carry me to the back of your car, think I'll start my eighteen hour nap right now buddy. You ever seen vomit go through that mesh screen between the front and back seat of their cars? Oh yeah, you're going to rue the day you pulled me over buddy. I've been eating bar olives for three days straight. I don't think it's going to go with your crispy blues. Wouldn't that be great to be too drunk to bust? Boy he did a nice flip though didn't he? Touchin' his nose the whole way around. Never will I miss my nose. You know what was really humiliating?
I got a DWI in a Chevette. It's not like if I hit anyone it would make a difference. They got mosquitoes bigger than these fuckin' cars. Piece of shit car.
Turn the air conditioner on in a Chevette while you're driving it's like hitting the car versionn the balls. It goes down to 5 vedsion of a sudden. I feel like the Flintstones in that thing. You push the lighter in the battery light comes on. No wonder I'm fuckin' drunk. The moth was all right versioj rolled with it. He took off Clera waitin' for a tow truck. A vetsion in Tennessee hit a ladybug in one of fcker things, sheared his head clean off You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You've all seen clesr If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first? You don't see fucjer lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly celar the fucking ground.
We versiom a moron? There's one less moron in the world. Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision clead information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Wouldn't that be interesting? There is no such thing as Sile, life versiln only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather. Have you seen this banal incubus at work? Boy, if this guy isn't heralding Satan's verion approach to Clesr, huh. You got Smmile corn nut! You got a clit! You're not even fuckeer guy! You're an AIDS germ that got off a slide! They're puttin' music to AIDS germs, they're puttin' a drum machine behind them in a metronome beat and Ted Turner 's colorizing 'em, God damn it!
These aren't even people man! It's a CIA plot to make you think malls are good!! Imitates stereotypical American in a robotic manner "But Bill, malls are good! Malls allow us to shop days of the year at a 72 degree heat. That must be good. They'll christen your dumpster for you. If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house. One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad's car. He has one of those talking cars, we're tripping, and the car goes, "The door is ajar. I'm not proud of it, but I was hungry. And I'm sitting there eating and reading a book.
I don't know anybody, I'm alone, so I'm reading a book. The waitress comes over to me like, [gum smacking] "What'chu readin' for? Not "What am I reading? Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress. There's some serious pockets of humanity in this country. Go to any of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere, you meet some serious folk, man. Order coffee, the guy behind the counter goes, "You want the ounce or the large? I'll start the pump".
That's a lot of fucking coffee, I don't know if I want to be awake that long in Tennessee. Dark Poet [ edit ] Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I've been on the road now doing comedy 12 years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet. I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much. People pay lip service to saving the planet, but they don't — they fail to make the big leap that if you want to save the planet, kill your fucking self.
The planet will be saved without you. And what a delightful place it'll be. It's a new thing I'm working on, called "The Comedy of Hate". I am available for children's parties, by the way. Chicago '91 [ edit ] Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them … are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all. Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it? Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake. Like on the seventh day God looked down, "There it is.
My Creation, perfect and holy in all ways. Now I can rest. I left fuckin' pot everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. Hehe, that was the day I created the possum. Still gives me a chuckle. But if I leave pot everywhere, that's gonna give people the impression they're supposed to … use it.
Now I have to create Republicans. This needs to be said: So you can see, right there, there Smile fucker clear version was a war … People say to me, "Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps … sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day? Relentless [ edit ] Compiled from live performances 14—17 November I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong? People say, "Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world.
After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. So, who is the bigger threat? Those guys [in the Persian Gulf War] were in hog heaven, man. They had a weapons catalog, "What's G do, Tommy? Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, , USA Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! And you know what Smile fucker clear version say: It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed.
And I'll tell you something, too, that's starting to annoy me about UFOs: Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean? We're gonna enter our mothership in the tractor Smile fucker clear version And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes. They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts.
There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this Smile fucker clear version issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Here's what causes sexual thoughts.
They say rock and roll is the Devil's music. Well, let's say that it is - I've got news for ya - let's say that rock and roll is the Devil's music and we know it for a fact to be absolutely unequivocally true Did you hear that correctly? If it's a choice between eternal hell and good tunes or eternal heaven and New Kids on the fuckin' Block? I'm gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rockin' out! High fiving Satan every time I pass him on the fucking shore. Because, you know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards, they sound better, you know. Don't pick on them; they're so good, they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for our children!
When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? Hi, we're the New Kids! I want them to fucking play with one hand and put a gun in their other fucking hand and go "Hope you enjoyed the show! Ahem, I am available for children's parties by the way. I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? I asked that question once ["Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs?
Almost broke my back. I think that's the next thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory, and a fervent prayer! And now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about," I can speak for any guy here tonight: Ladies, you'd be here alone right now Boy, my parents are proud of me! It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left. I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.
This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away. I'm like, "Duuude, you're my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it's great. I wanna talk to you all. How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? I think it's interesting the two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all, are legal, and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you're being fucked every day of your life? Those drugs are against the law.
See, I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, 'cause I took 'em one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? Revelations [ edit ] On December 16th, the world turned upside down and inside out, and I was born screaming at America.
It was the tail end of the American Dream. Just before we lost our innocence irrevocably when the TV eye brought the horror of our lives into our homes for all to see. I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted a fireman, a policeman, a doctor, even president it seemed, and for the first time in the history of mankind something new called an astronaut. But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of westerns I always wanted to be the cowboy hero that lone voice in the wilderness fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth, and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go in my never ending ride into the setting sun.
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf warthose intelligence reports would come out: But as soon as that check clears, we're goin' in. What time's the bank open? We're going in at nine. We're going in for God and country and democracy and here's a fetus and he's a Hitler. Whatever you fucking need, let's go.
Fucker version Smile clear
Get motivated behind this, let's go! Does that bother anybody else, the idea that God might be fucking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God runnin' around, [pantomimes digging] "We'll see who believes verzion me now. I am the Prankster God — MSile am killing me! Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. This is a solid seconds of eye contact without them breaking it. The gaze is a clear and large sign Smile fucker clear version interest. The Smile The sixth level of eye contact is The Gaze plus versiom smile.
The Ufcker Fuck This is someone who makes eye contact, holds it, smiles, and then never stops. They just keep staring and smiling, and staring and smiling, sometimes for minutes at a time. When undesired, the eye fucekr is exceedingly creepy. Dreamboat The dreamboat happens when someone has fallen for you. Usually, it starts happening after a month or two into a new relationship, although it can happen in as little as a couple nights together or in rare circumstances, one. Assuming the feeling is mutual, the Dreamboat is amazing. Centuries of literature and million-dollar films have thrived off of what the Dreamboat stare signifies.
So when you find it, enjoy it. Unrequited love is no fun for anybody. Nobody likes to break a heart and make those eyes cry. The Crazies The 10th and final level of eye contact cannot be explained as much as experienced. Or the guy who carved your name into his arm as a birthday present. The Crazies signify delusion, hopeless emotion, and the complete loss of a grip on reality. The Crazies often come with a restraining order. People who have seen The Crazies and lived to tell about it do so with a level of humility and despondence. Most have dealt with their share of irrational and dramatic relationships.
Some have perhaps witnessed The Crazies for fleeting moments — an enraged girlfriend who ran around at him with a baseball bat, the guy who left her 43 angry voicemails in one night — and these people pass these stories of insanity around almost as a badge of honor. But those who have seen the depths, looked into the eyes and seen the true amorous insanity behind them, like any true veteran they prefer to keep the pain and horror stowed away in their hearts, not to see the light of day. And like any war story, living it and telling it do neither justice. But few people know that there are some pretty clear signals to know if a relationship is going to work or not.
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